Funny how I’m falling in love with the very thing that made me despise him.

BJJ. Where the hell do I even start? Tonight was my first taste of what this sport was all about. I’m beat up and sore already, but I’m pretty sure I just fell completely in love with it. It really is funny how I’m falling in love with something that made me hate Mr. A so much because it consumed his life and that’s all he had time for. However, now I see why he loved it so much, so I can’t hold that against him…..BUT I will hold everything else against him still.

Besides this sport just being completely awesome and fun it is one of the best workouts I have had in a long time. I took up dance class at my old gym and although that was super fun, BJJ took it to the next level. I am completely and utterly sore and I’m feeling pain in muscles I didn’t even know existed. I have also used weights (not crazy) but enough to get a good workout and my arms have never been this sore. This shit is too legit…to quit.

I ordered my Gi today before trying out the class first. Something about the feeling I got whenever I thought about doing BJJ just made me feel like this was something I was suppose to learn. If there’s one good thing Mr. A gave me it was the ability to see how amazing BJJ was. So thanks for being a jerk, but thank you even more for showing me this awesome sport! I’m just all kinds of excited to keep going to the classes and learning new moves and techniques. Hopefully after a few months of doing this I won’t suck 🙂

Life is good my friends. I’m totally figuring out what I want to do with my time and in the process figuring out who I am…and what makes me happy…also this means no roller derby for me. Bummer, but I think I’ll live.

  • Another check mark for my #3 goal please and thank you.

Doing good…no scratch that. Doing GREAT!

I can put a check by #2 on my list-family time 🙂

I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with the weekend…even more so now that I’m single. It’s my time to do whatever I want and hang out with friends and family, but sometimes I just want to be lazy and not do a damn thing. Only problem is if I just sat around all day that would leave entirely too much time for my mind to wonder and think about Mr. A (this is how I will refer to my ex now). Soooooooo to get me out, my brother and sister in law invited me to go watch my nieces dance competition. It was fun to watch but my god by the end of it (3 hours later) I was definitely ready to go. It was great to spend time with them and of course seeing my niece perform was a treat. I was so proud of her I couldn’t help but cry like a big pansy when she took the stage.

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This counts as part of my #3 goal right? haha

Getting to the interesting part of the night…dinner time. We ended up going to this restaurant a few miles down the road from the competition site. We get seated, blah, blah, blah and OH EM GEE the cutest guy ever is our waiter. I felt 16 years old again checking him and his lovely butt out every time he walked away. Fast forward to the end of the meal after we pay I jokingly say to my sister in law “hey, he’s super cute, I should totally leave him my number.” UHHH WHAAAAT just came out of my mouth? Of course she wasn’t about to let me back out of this so 1 minute later there I am filling out the receipt and writing a little note with my number attached.

Embarassed/nervous/I don’t even know, I ran out of that restaurant so damn fast because I didn’t want to make eye contact with him after that. I felt like a 5 year old at that point, but it was too late to do anything. I didn’t think it would even work. I didn’t think he would text me, but literally 15 minutes later driving down the street, Mr. Cute Butt sends me a message. Score??? I have no clue what to call this. I’m not looking for anything…I just wanted to see what would happen and if a guy would find me attractive enough to shoot me a text. Guess I passed his test (^_^)

I’m really starting to like this new and exciting person that’s coming out bit by bit. She definitely hasn’t been around in a LONG time…I hope she stays. Forever.

Can I?

Can I pretend I never went to that gym?
Can I pretend I never saw you wink at me?
Can I pretend I never agreed to go out with you?
Can I pretend we never had that first kiss?
Can I pretend I never saw those pictures of her?
Can I pretend I never saw those texts from her?
Can I pretend I never allowed my walls down for you?
Can I pretend we never had our “meh” word?
Can I pretend I never told you I love you?
Can I pretend I never thought about being with you forever?
Can I pretend you didn’t break my heart?
Can I pretend you didn’t cut me out of your life?
Can I pretend I don’t know about you moving on…so soon?
Can I just fucking pretend you never existed?

Living and shit.

Living and shit.

Made my day 🙂

Update and some realizations.

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UPDATE: I didn’t die at roller derby practice last night, but I did bust my ass real good. Oh well better to get that out of the way sooner than later. I’ll admit it was very, and I mean VERY uncomfortable for me to get out of my comfort zone last night and do that. Everyone else there was doing laps and there I was being a bitch to the wall. I’m glad I did it though 🙂 definitely working on my #3 goal…next week is kickboxing or checking out a Brazilian jiujitsu place with my gf Pink. Still pisses me off that I wanted to get into that kind of stuff at my old gym but my ex teaches them so that’s a definite no.

So, I’ve come to the realization that my mind hates me. I thought that sleep would be my escape from the constant heart ache I feel during the day, but it follows me to my dreams. Every single night I go to bed exhausted after a long day of trying to keep busy and then there he (my ex) is. Every night it’s the same outcome but with a different story. I wake up with my heart racing, tears in my eyes, and sweat rolling down my face.

When will it get better? When will I not think about him? When will I not feel broken? When will I just not give a damn? When will that day come?

I’m trying to get past this and I think I’m doing a good job so far, but I just want to wake up one day and not feel anything. Breakups suck…and the ones you never saw coming suck even worse.

Rediscovering Yourself.

“I knew his world moved too fast and burned too bright.
But I just thought, how can the devil be pulling you toward someone who looks so much like an angel when he smiles at you?
Maybe he knew that when he saw me.
I guess I just lost my balance.
I think that the worst part of it all wasn’t losing him.
It was losing me.”

 

Did I really just quote Taylor Swift? You better believe it. That girl knows her stuff.

I recently got out a relationship I thought was going to last. He was perfect and he was everything I needed and wanted at the time. He had a wonderful personality, a great job, was 5 years older than me, took care of his grandmother, was a leader at his gym, and over all just seemed like a great catch. Little did I know that what I saw was nothing of what I would receive and he’d turn into someone I would hardly recognize.

This post isn’t about me crying and pouring out my emotions about how much I miss him and how much I want him back. In fact my feelings for him are the complete opposite. Not because I’m bitter, but because I WANT more for myself and I’m choosing to turn this into a positive experience…I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wish things worked out, but I know they didn’t for a reason.

…For a reason and my point of quoting Taylor Swift all leads to why I’m writing this blog. I lost myself. I lost myself in that relationship and I’m starting a journey to find out where I went. For the next few months I’ve decided to give myself a completely different routine and challenges to complete. Although this breakup literally happened a week ago it made me realize 3 crucial things about my life.

  1. I need to repair my very damaged relationship with Christ.
  2. I need to repair my relationship with family and friends I have been neglecting.
  3. I need to find myself and figure out who I am.

Church. Religion. The Bible…they are not for everyone. I however should have known better because I use to be a strong believer. I admit with great shame that I turned my back on Christ and allowed myself to stray away from what I always knew was precious to me.  Repairing and working on my relationship with God is my number one goal. I’m giving him the wheel and letting him guide me in the direction and path he has planned for me.

Every time I enter a relationship I neglect those that mean so much to me. My parents are the ones who fall victim to my neglect the most. The two people who have ALWAYS been there for me are always the ones I end up ditching and forgetting about. How could I be such an ungrateful daughter? I honestly don’t know, but I’m going to do everything I can to make up for my negligence from the past 7 years. The same goes for my dearest friends. I would be so consumed in my relationships that they ended up getting the crappy version of me…or they only heard from me when things weren’t going right. I’m promising myself that I will absolutely stop this type of behavior because they don’t deserve it. Men will come and go, but family and friends will stay when times get tough.

Figuring out who I am is going to be the most difficult challenge of the 3. I haven’t been single since I was 17 years old… I’m currently 24. I could easily tell you who I was as a teenager, but I am clueless about who I am in my twenties. This has to change. I can’t expect someone to understand or be with me when I don’t even understand myself. In order to figure myself out I’ve decided I’m just going to throw myself into whatever sounds fun.

I’ve already made my way back to the gym, but I’m going to step it up and start hitting the weights hard. I’ve decided to recruit a trainer to help me reach my goals with weights….mainly because I only have basic knowledge about what I’m doing. I decided that helping people would be the best therapy I could possibly do for myself, so I signed up with a local Soup Kitchen. I think the 2 activities I’m most excited about are possibly joining a roller derby team and a female kickboxing class. Roller derby looks so fun and I could see myself becoming consumed by it. Tryouts are every Wednesday night, so I guess I know where I’ll be this Wednesday 🙂 I was going to join the kickboxing class at my old gym, but my ex teaches it. BUMMER. I found another one though and I’m excited to give it try.

Break ups are definitely not fun, but I’m not letting it ruin me this time around. I’m excited about life and all the possibilities that are just waiting for me. I hope I’ve sparked the idea in your mind to try something new or perhaps helped someone realize that breaking up isn’t the end of the world, but an opportunity to rediscover yourself.